Scumbag brain

Ahoy hoy everyone.

I would love to say that this is not another one of my infamous whiny emo posts, but I try not to lie to my friends. So this is another of my infamous whiny emo posts.

Good news, the guilty feelings I;ve been having have lessened. Oh and I got a raise! Woohoo!

Bad news, I've been have trouble sleeping for the past week or so. It either takes me a long time to sleep or I wake up at ungodly hours of the morning. I haven't had a full nights sleep in a while. Even after having a very good day, mfeeling happy, things going well, when it gets close to bedtime, bam! Stupid brain is like, y'know what, you were too happy today, time to think and overanalyze shit so you can't sleep. Hell even when my day isn't taht great, does my brain say, hey it's time for a break! NNNNOOOOOOooooo..... he just says keep on worrying.

Seriously. I think it's time I stab it with a q-tip. Hopefully then he'll shut up.

Thanks everyone for your well wishes. Not quite ready to blog/comment. But I thought I'd peek in.

Feeling all over the place. Not sure if I'll ever really talk about it though as it's really personal, even by my blogging standards.

Been listening to this song a lot (but not exclusively), so it gives you an idea of some of what's going through my head. Although, it's a lot more complicated then just that. If it was just that I could deal. Honestly, all that's missing is an unwanted pregnancy and I probably could sell this story to Hollywood... oh and an evil twin. cause there should always be an evil twin.

I think I need a nap.

Update and the soundtrack to my life

Ahoy hoy everyone!

I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments on my last post. It really helped, and I just hope that I can be as good a friend to all of you as you've been with me.

So quickie update on me, I am feeling a bit better, at least moral wise. Still not rainbows and unicorns, but definitely away from being all emo-y


Good lord if I ever get to that, shoot me!


Physically, well it still feels like someone is squeezing the boys sometimes (and not in the good way). Finished off my second batch of anti-biotics but nothing much has changed. Wanted to see my doc this morning as a walk in patient, but just my luck, the office was closed :\  They open again on Tuesday. Joy.
The pain is usually bareable most of the time and sometimes even forgettable, so I'm not too worried just yet. But I know it's a big reason for my blahs.

Ok enough about my health, cause I'm sure it's WAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY too much information for you guys.

So a light entry today ofr today. This has been going around the blogosphere I bleieve and since I'm a sheep, I'm doing it too! :D

"Story of my life" or was it "The soundtrack of my life"? Eh, it was something like that.... Anywho, the rules:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For everyline, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool…

Besically this would be the soundtrack of my Lifetime Movie. For this, I'm using my mp3 player which I talked about in this post. And because I love you all, the songs link to their youtube clips :)

Opening Credits:

REM - It's the end of the world
I bet that's what my parents thought when I was born, so I guess it fits.

Waking Up:
Jay Sean - Down
Hmmmm not really a wake up song.... but it's up beat I guess

First Day At School:
Mercenaries 2 - Oh no you didn't
Lol, this was used in an add for the game. I have the ad version which was the first 30 seconds or so... it's hilarious and I guess could fit into the school/bully thing lol.

Fight Song:
OK Go - Here it goes again
Sounds like my life is a never ending battle lol. Ah well, here it goes again....

Breaking Up:
Robert Randolph & the Family Band - Aint Nothin' Wrong with That
Well I guess I wasn't too broken up about it. :p

Prom:
Louis Armstrong - What A Wonderful World
Altogether now... awwwwwwwwwwwwww

 Life:
Quiet Riot - Cum On Feel The Noize
HAHAHA!!!! I wish more girls would follow those lyrics in my life :p
Not bad as far as life athem goes.... let's get wild, wild, wild!

Mental Breakdown:
Weezer - "Memories"
 Yeah, a song from Jackass is definitely a sign of a mental breakdown! It's also a pretty good mid-life crisis song lol

Driving:
Glee - Halo & Walking on sunshine
 Don't judge me and my liking of Glee! But yeah, it's a pretty upbeat song.... oh my god.... this is were my life becomes a chick flick isn't it? ;p

Flashback:
Nana Mouskouri - Le temps de cerises
Not bad. A good flashback song. In fact I first heard it in Porco Rosso (go watch it, it's great!) and it sort of fits that theme of looking back at past :)

Wedding:
Billy Idol - Dancing with Myself
 Forever alone... :~(   
At least I'm upbeat about it ;)

Birth of Child:
Colbie Caillat - Bubbly
 Mostly a love/crush song, but a lot of it can fit for a new child too.

Final Battle:

3 Doors Down - Kryptonite

 That's right, bring it! Not a bad fight song at all. Can get the blood flowing...

"If I go crazy will you still call me Superman?"

Death Scene:
Bob Sinclar Feat. Dollarman & Big Ali & Makedah - Rock This Party (Everybody dance now)

 So apperantly my death is a cause of celebration in the land. Forever alone... again :p

 Holy crap, what if I'm the villain, and that's way everyone's so happy? O.O

Funeral Song:
Ludacris feat. DTP - Growing pains
Hmmmmm.... not my life, but it is a reminiscing song. Doen't fit my life (so far lol) but yeah as a funeral soundtrack to a movie... I can see them playing it with a montage of my life....

End Credit:Vengaboys - We like to Party!  

Yes I'm ashamed I've never removed this from my player. But really at the end of it all, everyone should live their life like it's a party. (yeahh... I'll go with that...)

So all in all some while not specific to my life in some cases (I hope so) my mp3 player pulls through for me again! Even though it had to go and embarrass me a couple of times too :\

Welp. hope everyone has a great weekend. I have two short work weeks coming up WOOHOO!!! So go have fun and remember, We like to Party!

Edit. sorry for the funky formatting. Blogger is being a bitch and messing it up... so I'm not touching it anymore unless something is out of order....

Meh

Just a quick little emo rant from me today. Still alive. Been feeling a bit blue. Just one of those moments I guess.

My ummm "plumbing problems" don't seem to want to go away. I've been back to the docs too.... I dunno. I have some meds. Maybe wait a little after I run through the prescription to see if anything new. This has also the side effect of making me less mobile and willing to try to exercise. So (I am by no means fat or even chubby) I know I'm gaining weight...  and would like to nip that quickly before I have to buy myself new pants lol. 

I also get whiny in these moment... things just seem like they pile up. Work is bleh.... and been feeling kinda alone. Like I'm always the one that has to reach out and get a conversation going (online and off). So I go in this really teen I'm all alone in the world space in my head. Which is of course total and utter crap. But that voice usually wins out in times like this. 

And there's also the vicious cycle of guilt in feeling this bad, when I shouldn't because I have it so good. Which I'm sure I whined about in a a previous emo rant. 

Meh, hopefully I'll snap out of this soon. It's way too nice out to be feeling sorry for myself.

P.S. I'm keeping up with everyones blogs! Sorry if I don't always comment though... Reading them though is helping me out of this funk :)

confession? emo moment? venting?

This is something that's been on my mind for well, a year now I guess. Never really wanted to talk about it to anyone, cause in a sense it's something I have to sift through, but I think I also need it to go out there. Since I doubt anyone will actually read it here, I figured it would be the best of both worlds to put it here.

Be forwarned, this isn't a happy post. Not quite sad either, but I am feeling like I'm having one of my emo moments so skip it if you're looking for something fun and coherent.

......................................................................................................................................................................


Alright back on topic.

First a little about myself. I'm a somewhat religious person, Roman Catholic to be precise. I'm far from a fanatic and I don't blindly agree with all of the churches official stances. I'm no religious expert either, but I do find comfort in it and I do attend mass every week or so with my Godmothers. I still find it can drag on at times, but it can also be inspiring.


Now let's jump to a little over a year ago, my godsister was in the ICU. She's always been in and out of the hospital, but this time it was really bad. Family and friends visiting her at the hospital, some of us everyday. She was never concsious during this time. All throughout this time, during my lunch break at work, I would head to the basilica nearby (which is also the church I attend every week) and pray for her. After about a week or so came the news, she didn't make it. Before anyone assumes anything, this hasn't shaken my faith. I still believe in God. I don't blame him/her for this.

I still found comfort in knowing that she's up there with him. Looking down on us, with a smile and probably a snarky comment in my direction.

Except, now when I go to mass, there's always this bittersweet feeling. No matter how good or bad I'm doing, no matter what's going on that day, just being in the church will invariably remind me of her and that time. Like I said, it's a bittersweet thing. I love that church and wouldn't want to worship anywhere else, but at the same time I get this sad moment. When I'm feeling down it pops up a lot, but even when I'm having a pretty happy time, I would always get a little down.

It's been over a year, but sometimes it still feels like it was yesterday.

I miss you, I never told you this when you were alive, but I love you. You're were a second sister to me. I just wish my prayers would've been enough...